| untitled |
[Dec. 13th, 200912:49 pm] |
to wish you were the air i breathe
to hope you could be all i need
sometimes i find myself seething with you in mind
is there something wrong with that?
is our love so firm that i found comfort
yet still you anger me and content me
i want you forever and always
though i think your my real love
there is no false pretenses
i know what im getting with you
were both jealous and disturbed slightly
in denial of our faults
easy to piss off,hard to calm down
grudges like walls so hard to get over
i want you regardless forever and always
you bring me happiness and joy
though you annoy me to no end
i want to share the air i breathe with you
to say i dont need you would be a lie. |
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| i want to kill his mother |
[Dec. 6th, 200908:53 am] |
he was given away not long after he was born
never remembered really
shes been slutting herself since before her babies were made
shes a train wreck
i guess men like that
she aint paid for shit in her life
though her son has
whats a mother with out thought of her child
if she can pill it drink it away
who is she anyways
hes been moved around like hes nothing
i dont even know his whole life story
though hes my baby
i want to take care of him
the way his mother never did
i want to show him how much hes worth
hes everything to me
i feel so connected to him
i feel inseparable from the love i feel for him
hes the most brilliant boy
ive never seen a guy like him before
he stands out
you could not top him no matter who you are
hes got something special
yet that women has no clue who he is
she treats him like hes nothing
i hope he dont cling to her words
dont let him take this whore serious
i want to hold him through the night
kiss him every time he feels anything bad
touch him in ways to make him feel alive
i want to breathe my life into him
hes brought me back from the depths of despair
hes fixed my long lost broken heart
hes everything i need and more
i hope somehow i can give him enough
i want him to live the rest of his life being happy and proud
i want him to feel on top of the world
so he can see just where he belongs
this isent our world
this place corrupts and misplaces the special ones
so how do i make all his pain go away
is it possible to ever fix all thats went wrong for him
can i help heal him by showing him unconditional love
hes all and everything
hes all that matters
yet hes never been treated right. |
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| im falling again,but i will soon stand |
[Dec. 2nd, 200911:29 am] |
im removed i dont remain
its empty a shell
close to shattering
my faith my glue holds me together
my pieces are faltering
im un-sheltered
this pain is almost holy
it will teach me great things
i will walk forward with new truth
ive coveted many feelings
though i am blue in this moment
i can not muster enough relief to not feel this
something is turning in me
changing,i am becoming different
i guess i can thank you
for the way you calloused me
maybe i started the ill feelings
i guess now im paying
this isent all bad now is it
im going to wake up one day
though you will remain
i will be healed as time heals
though i will be haunted by you
i will be able to function
i wont need you anymore
i will be able to live with out you
im void and vacant
im cold and saddened
im hollow and open
im willing to start over
maybe this time we wont give in
keep pretending somethings left
when its sincerely dead
we cant hold onto used to be
wish it was
now it aint
i cant stand here with you looking at me
i know you will never forgive me
for all the things ive done wrong
so its time to move on
im sorry love
wish i still had the words
to tell you i love you
it will never go away or fade
though the way you make me feel
isent worth this love to prevail. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 2nd, 200908:28 am] |
Dear God,
Ive lost myself again.I keep trying to hard with things that just dont seem to be working.I keep ignoring you,when i hear you loud and clear.Im a total mess,ive wrapped myself in the thought of a love again.To the point where my existence feels incomplete with out them.I know i love this person,but i dont believe its working.I want more for my life.I want more for Hopes.I want to be a good person,and be proud of myself,and the things im doing.I am not proud of myself right now.I seem to feel like im always neglecting you,and ive learned im not very good at showing my feelings.Im not a good girlfriend,and i wonder if im even a good friend to my friends.I guess sometimes its hard to show my feelings.Ive never really done alot of showing my feelings when it comes to being with someone.But i want to learn to be different.I want someday for me to be able to give someone my all,i want the person im with to be happy,and to feel they can talk to me and share themselves with me,because they know i love them and that i care.And with me being how i am,i guess i cant.I did not even realize how bad i am in relationships.I guess you learn new things everyday.I guess i should not be sad about all this,i should just move on and learn.Its hard to move on.And what if i cant.What if my heart always belongs to him,and i can never fully move on?The only thing i do know about this is that i dont deserve to have someone be so cold and mean to me.Even if they dont see it.I never want to be in a situation where i am made to feel like im nothing,like im meaningless.Especially from someone i love.Someone id give my life for.Someone id kill for.Someone id trust with my life and daughter.Maybe im a stupid girl.Seems thats most likely the answer.Im lost again. Because i let myself fall again.I let myself become dependent.Which you would think id learn from,but i never do.Though im going to make it through this.I know you will help.Thank you God for always being the one who never lets me down.And please guide me and teach me more.Please help me to learn how to treat people,and how to love properly.Show me how to reach out to people.Show me how to be a nicer person.Because i hate to think of people i love not knowing that i love them.I want to be able to show people.And sometimes i cant for the life of me get it into peoples heads that i love them.I dont love a lot of people.And the few people i do,i want them to be able to see it.I want to be able to make people happy that i love.I dont want them always confused and thinking i dont.I dont know. I guess im just a little lost,and i need help.I want to once again start over God,please help me to go the way im supposed to go.God i get so lonely sometimes,i just want someone there,why do i need to feel loved? And why do i stay where im not wanted?Why am i so stupid, and why do i keep thinking things will change? Please fill the hole in my heart that just wont go away.Help me to be whole with out him.Help me to be able to stand on my own two feet,and not need anyone else.Thank you God for listening.And i trust you will help me if i listen.I love you God.
Laura |
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| fearful and walls to un-build |
[Nov. 29th, 200907:58 pm] |
its easy to run and hide
so hard to open my mouth and try
always got my tongue tied with insults
to push you away
ive been hurt enough for one lifetime
so i crush my dreams first
before someone else may do so
why cant i open up
for more than a moment at a time
im a ticking time bomb
my love wont last because of all my fear
seldomly do i let someone in
this head is fucked up
its all so un-clear
ive wound myself into an asshole
pretending i dont really care
yet you see me fading each time i lie
when i say i will make it
i can take it
each time i fake it
im dying inside ready to cry
im a girl lost inside the woods
waiting to be saved
though no one knows where i am
i led them all astray
so let me bleed here alone
this pain is mine and no one knows
why havent i let my guard down
are these walls really necessary
im breaking down
feigning solace
i need repentance
wheres my life going
if i cant just live with out fear? |
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| sadness on the horizon |
[Nov. 28th, 200903:24 pm] |
thoughtless and ignorant we are
walking through our days
wishing away our pains
yet we smother out the feeling
to the things that matter most of all
shes a little girl
with little hands and fingers
she smiles when she wakes up
laughs when you talk to her
loves you no matter what
shes blameless in all of this
i get the guilt
with it no one to share it
shes my angel my world
shes beautiful and amazing
how can she be left behind
how do you just walk away
it dont matter how you feel about me
this is not about us
its about her
if you choose to stay away
i will have to pick up your slack
ill have to hold her close
when she grows old enough to feel the hurt
she will age knowing another father
you will only the biological
she wont love or respect you
she will probably always have questions
i wont be able to answer them
if im lucky she will be content with me
though as children progress in there lifes
they get more thoughtful
and start thinking deeper
shes going to wonder why you were not there
shes going to wonder what it was that made you stay away
what made her dad think it was okay
to leave her behind
theres not going to be a good enough excuse
shes going to slowly learn to resent you
i can not force you to be there
though it pains me to think of my little girl ever feeling sad
i cant say i wish you were not her dad
im glad we had her together
shes perfect with her parents features
so i guess ill just keep to picking up your slack
ill be her everything
ill be her mom and dad. |
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| feigning |
[Nov. 27th, 200912:07 am] |
im breathing you in
yet some how im gasping for air
in these cold nights all i want is you
your body your hips your love
in between my legs
smother me take away my breath
im smiling at you
it seems you dont see me
all i need is what you have to offer
so close my eyes
dig yourself into me
dont let me have time to think
fuck me till im covered in your smell
take away my insecurities
by showing my how much you love me
enjoy the girl in front of you
shes all yours do whatever you want to her
shes been waiting for your touch
though she cant seem to get enough
when shes so close to nirvana
how are you still somewhere else? |
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| primitive existence |
[Nov. 22nd, 200907:37 pm] |
im walking a thin line
playing along with life
doing my daily duties
wishing and waiting for you
then other moments im thinking
so hard and long
though your no where near
i need you here
to be with me and hold me
to get down and dirty with me
i go through my day and it gets boring
sometimes im just not the girl you see
sometimes im the more primitive me
the one who thinks like an animal
wants what she wants and wants to lay down and sleep
im walking a thin line
on the verge of losing my mind
seems your just what i need
your nowhere near
i need you here
with me and inside me
as desolate as it is in here
i know with you id be less alone
im waiting for you to come. |
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| focus |
[Nov. 20th, 200908:02 pm] |
knees are meant to be fell upon
baby you will not always be standing
your ego soars high
ill tear you down
you think your a king
ill own your fucking crown
these eyes can say anything i want them to
so dont always believe everything you see
you want to be a smart ass punk
ill teach you a think or two
i wont sit and "look pretty"
then kiss your ass when you hurt my feelings
ill always sing my own songs
i wont be what anyone else wants me to be
i was born with my own personality baby
sometimes im just not meant to be the casualty. |
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| obsession |
[Nov. 20th, 200902:05 pm] |
maybe taking the time to fantasize is okay
i wished for him for years on end
still nothing was ever the same
till the day he walked back into my life
it took much needed time
though some how my baby found his way back
i dont think its bad to stay in love
if its true its real and theres nothing you can do
i found him in the midst of a crowded hallway
yet he stuck out like a soar thumb
though we did not start talking that day
it did not take long for this love to come along
it was brought to life and yea there was a lot of strife
ive contemplated my life away when it ended
i never let go of the way i felt about him
seemed no matter what no one could compare to him
i tried filling his shoes though it never worked
guess he wore one of those odd sizes
though here i am after obsessing for years
i am back with my love
hes here to stay it never faded he did not stay away
ive found that somethings are too strong to fight
my punk is my obsession i cant get him off of my mind
hes in the dreams i sleep through
hes in my heart dug deep
hes in my lusts rage
hes in my fingers impulses
hes in my thoughts through out the day
hes the one thing thats always remained
when i clear my head at night
i find hes the one thing that can not be pushed aside
hes urgent hes important hes special hes gorgeous
it goes to show true love does not ever die
my obsession is more than just a fantasy
hes the real deal the only thing ill ever need. |
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| four minutes with God |
[Nov. 14th, 200903:21 pm] |
i found you yet again
a warm november night
you were there
when i felt alone again
i smile when i feel you
your always so comforting
oh how i adore you
if not for you
id lose whats left of my mind
your the greatest joy of my life
in time i hope to grow
to make you proud
i find you holding me
when i deserve to be scorned
God with out you i am nothing
not a soul not a mind not a girl
so please never let me go with out you
always punish me when i sin
for its in you that i find myself again
when i let myself go into sins galore
you find me and put me in my place
and though things always hurt so bad
i feel you molding me
shaping and making me
into more of what i need to be
i thank you for everything
if not for you id be dead. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 14th, 200911:11 am] |
there isent any joy in missing you
no happiness in wishing you were here
no favor in forgetting your name
no love with out you when your gone
i was not meant to love another |
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| i give it to you Lord,its you who never leaves. |
[Nov. 14th, 200909:06 am] |
i give it to you Lord
i grieve this love one last time
i wont regret,i wont hold hope
i wont ever forget it though
i give it to you Lord
it seems love wasent meant for me
i wont ever try again
ive noticed i cant seem to keep it alive
i give it to you Lord
because im too weak to see
im too hard to to feel
i cant take the pain make it go away
i give it to you Lord
i have learned i am not the best with choices
i cant seem to make the right ones
i wont look back and wonder what i could have done
this life has been killing me
i give it to you Lord
because you know and love me
it is you who guides and directs me
when my suicide is a mouthful away
you bleed my sadness to numb
i give it to you Lord
i know you will heal me
you are the most constant and stable thing in my life
i know you wont ever go away
and everything goes away
i give it to you Lord
take my small hand
hold my heart
ease all this dismay
dont let me fall apart
i feel myself losing hope
i can not go this route
i cant think about me this time
take my love release it in a new form
because i dont want to waste all i got to offer
on another life time of remembering
always regretting
i need to find closure
if it were meant to be,it would be right?
so Lord its yours
i am at your feet begging like a parasite
please forgive me for my ignorance
let me do the right things
in this i pray to you
please turn me into more than just a love fool. |
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| fuck it,un-fuck it |
[Nov. 13th, 200907:31 pm] |
if you dont really want me
why pretend so hardly
if you cant really stand me
why say you wanna have my baby
if you really just want to kill me
why say you wanna live with me
if you really dont want to deal with me
why always say you wanna be with me
if you make me feel so sad
why do i always want you so bad
if you treat me like an enemy
why do i always feel so deeply
if you say one thing and act another
why am i so quick to believe you
if you dont keep me happy
why do i always go crawling
if you make me want to commit suicide
why did i think your my one and only? |
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| sometimes theres no reason |
[Nov. 11th, 200908:12 pm] |
its a darkness that bleeds from within me
i cant control it,nor do i wish to bestow it
upon you or your smile
wish i had a reason,wish i knew why
sometimes im in a different world,wish you were here
sometimes i cant count my own blessings
theres times the light shines through
those times im so pleased to feel the glow of life
theres times that the very essence of doom flickers
my heart turns cold,i feel so alone
sometimes no matter what i do
i can not make these feelings go away
what can i do,hide from you
pretend some more,waste a few more years
ive calloused myself,or so i thought
here i am overwhelmed,your nowhere in sight
yet you cant just see im desperate for your voice? |
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| My beautiful girl.[my rock of faith] |
[Nov. 9th, 200909:27 am] |
when her hearts in too many places at once
tell her to retreat back into herself
leave the boys all behind
because when the one comes
he will sweep her off her feet
no need to be woo-ed
dont let your loneliness take over
dont wish for love
when none of these guys knows anything of it
shes so beautiful and they dont deserve her
no not to steal pieces of her
shes too fragile with a strong face
God dont let her down
take her hand walk her past the dogs
sometimes she needs that extra help
dont let her run away from you
we all linger in what it is we want
though what you want brings more rewards
our endeavors only cause us heartache
please dont let her lose grip with whats important
shes my strength i dont want to watch her fall
her pain is felt inside my heart
shes become my rock of faith
so please watch over my Lexi girl! |
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| posted to the side of my bed |
[Nov. 6th, 200910:40 am] |
im posted at the side of my bed
each day i wonder more and more
there are times id like to just live
though these days lifes more about the future than today
what can i say,i crave it here and now
i want your body to be something never out of sight
i want to embellish you,add to you
im posted at the side of my bed
each day im waiting,never moving a step away
there are times i feel alone
though i know you will be here home soon
there are times i want to break down and cry
i know im being weak
sometimes its your arms that i seek
when im here and nothing can touch my heart
i feign for you like an addict about to take a hit
can you just tell me you love me
make my loneliness leave me be
i know someday things are going to be amazing
just till then baby please love,cherish and reassure me. |
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| All and everything.. |
[Oct. 31st, 200911:34 am] |
if ever now
flow your love on over
bless us always
heal us when wounds run deep
help us be avid in our paths for you
dream for us when all our hopes have died
though we stray
look past our sinful ways
teach us
love us
mold and mend us
believe in us
let us feel you there
when we build walls to hide
penetrate through them
take the wicked-ness from us
let us not mourn for things
that were not meant to be
take away your childs pain
wipe their tears away
show them the way
you are what we need
all and everything. |
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| need you |
[Oct. 26th, 200907:31 pm] |
ive written pretty poetry for you for years
my soul was weak with fear
thought id never have you near again
how ive missed you,since you have been away
tears were not nesassary,my soul felt everything in depth
your here now,will it last,will this work
dont think i could take it
no not if we faded
ive believed in very few things
i want to believe in you always
want you forever,want you always
need you here now
where are you baby
everything feels so empty without you
wish you knew,its always has been
and i need you in ways you just can not see
so many things ive kept burried deep inside of me
my hearts been yours
can you some how show me
come and hold me
soothe and control me
i need you here and i need you now and always. |
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| drain it |
[Oct. 26th, 200907:30 pm] |
no love bears fruit
no love lives on forever
love portrays perfection
love is destruction
it tears you limb from limb
emotionally it will drain you
each time you try again
love becomes bigger
angrier,more jealous,you grow more hateful
you become dead to it
you die,drain it. |
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